Hopeless

Here I am, hopeless again… Earlier had I the feeling of hope, but it was just that - a feeling. I still have no idea where to go or even what to do(other than writing this down for some reason). I just watched 3 or 4 episodes of Naruto: Shippuden, it’s as if I’ve wasted yet another day, 6 days remaining before it’s my duty to spend large part of the following 5 days at school.

This does recall a video I watched some time back. I just remember something along the lines of

Those who are the most concerned about wasting time are the ones wasting the most time.

Now I do remember the mentioned fear of loosing options(for the lack of a better word) in life. A suitable analogy: “You are at an airport, you can fly wherever, however, as soon as you do decide to fly anywhere, you won’t be able to fly anywhere else”. More or less I have grasped of some places I could go to, more or less I know how to do it, but… I feel like that’s no the problem here. So, what is the problem? … You don’t know? Me neither.

There are all these things I want to do(gonna actually list those for once)

• Play Minecraft
• Draw(learn to)
• Play piano
• Finally work on some of my electronics projects
• Get a computer and do some cool homelab stuff
• Make good use of my programming skills
• Go for a walk A rather strange list, such wide range of things…

Clearly, I have stuff I want to and can do. Perhaps it is that I perhaps don’t have a reason/motivation to do any of that. That’s right, motivation… I don’t really feel any now.

Everything seems pretty boring now. I am writing this probably just because I began writing it unknown amount of time ago. So I shall finish this and hopefully publish it for someone to hopefully find it and read it.

I don’t want to anything. I don’t feel like doing anything. The feel like part could just be a focus issue or whatever. If I don’t want to anything, why am I alive, why do I live? It seems a little pointless to live like this. Why am I living like this, again?? Who knows. So there must be other ways to live. Oh wait, I know there are, I have surely experienced that too, at least a bit.

I have felt different when I’m with people, not alone. I guess I have felt that what is known as happiness, although just temporarily. I basically live in the middle of nowhere(a rural place that is) with my family, whom I don’t feel strong connection with. Occasionally with people I’d consider my friends, classmates, at school or elsewhere I’ve felt happy. It sometimes has felt like I’m not alone, that there are people who care about me, sometimes they even talk to me… That sounds so wrong, as if I’d be

So all in all there are more people in my reach than there ever have been, finding new people is really easy nowadays, yet I feel alone in this world. Gotta go outside now ig.