Some thoughts on "Naruto"

I watched 21 episodes of Naruto: Shippuden today, that’s about 7 hours. That’s insane!

I have some thoughts.

Watching Naruto specifically has made me feel various emotions I hadn’t felt before, it has felt like I’d be part of the journey through the harsh, albeit exciting, ninja world.

Not giving up is my ninja way!
– Naruto

I’ve felt that all throughout the series and… it’s amazing! Being in such a tough spot - feared by everyone, without parents or any friends - yet thanks to his goal of becoming the Hokage he kept on not giving up, overcame the obstacles and over time became loved by everyone.

I wish I could be like that. I wish I’d have a goal I could relentlessly keep on working towards and achieve great things along the way. I wish I could find friends who would support me, whom I over time wouldn’t drift away from.

I have had enough of being alone. At times it does feel like people are just scared of me, I can be in a room with many people over and over again for no one to ever come talk to me. Having realized that going out of my way to talk to others is the last thing I’d do nowadays. I’ve always been the one who’s spending his time away from others be it a corner or just the spot farthest away from everyone despite how much I would rather not.

Whenever I do go and speak to others either the words I speak are not understood or the conversation is swiftly ended. In some cases the other person seemingly fakes their interest and continues the conversation out of necessity. It really hurts to find out I’ve made others act in a certain way that’s tough for themselves.

I really don’t want to be such a nuisance.

What can I do then? I only have friends I’m inevitably drifting apart from, family who I see as people doing what they’re supposed to and not much more. I don’t even have a goal I want to work towards, moreover the guts to not give up.

Yes, that’s right, what do I even wanna do? I’m 16, I have tried to try bunch of stuff, I’ve gotten decent at some, but found that I haven’t. Whereas that Naruto guy just wanted to become the Hokage from the beginning of time. Perhaps I should be a fool like him, pick the first that comes to mind and see what happens.

I do already have my doubts tho. Even if I want to achieve something, the desire to do anything fades away before I others acknowledge and support me.

I’m alone after all. There is no one to compete with, no one to realistically catch up to, no one who cares even! I fear if this continues on, the desire to live might fade as well.

I don’t even know where to start… I might never find where to start.